You see this person every day. If you raise something and it goes badly, you'll still be sitting next to them tomorrow. So you swallow it, until every small thing gets on your nerves. A short, prepared conversation is usually easier to live with than weeks of frustration you carry around.
Talk about one specific moment. “You're unreliable” is a judgement anyone will push back on. “The numbers for the report came on Thursday instead of Tuesday, and I had to push the deadline” describes a situation, a behavior and an impact. That's how the SBI method works. Then ask how it looked from their side.
Sort it out between the two of you first. Between coworkers, neither of you has the final say. Talking one-on-one gives the other person a chance to change something before anyone else knows. Bring in your manager only if that isn't enough.
What you can say
A coworker leaves work undone
“The numbers for the monthly report didn't come until Thursday this week. I had to push the deadline and explain it to the client. What held you up, and how can we get them done by Tuesday next month?”
A coworker talks over you in meetings
“In the team meeting today you cut in twice while I was presenting the schedule. I lost my thread and rushed through the rest. Please let me finish. If you want to add something, say it afterwards.”
Everyone brings their questions to you
“I'm happy to help with the analysis, but I can't this week. I need to finish the proposal by Friday. I could spend half an hour on Monday showing you how I do it. Would that work?”
Someone got you out of a tight spot
“You proofread my slides late last night, and that saved the meeting. I'd never have caught the calculation error on slide four myself. Thank you.”
Common questions
What do I do when a coworker doesn't pull their weight?
Talk to them yourself first, with one specific example and what it meant for your work. Ask what's behind it: they may be overloaded or not have known about the deadline. If nothing changes, it's fine to tell your manager. Stick to what you've seen yourself.
How do I work with a coworker I can't stand?
You don't have to like each other to work well together. Work out what specifically bothers you about how you work together, and separate it from what bothers you about the person. You can talk about the first. For the second, staying friendly and factual helps.
Should I go to my manager or handle it myself?
Handle it yourself first if it's about how you work together. If it's bullying, harassment or a broken rule, go straight to your manager or HR. If you do take it to your manager later, tell your coworker beforehand.
How do I say no when coworkers keep asking me for things?
Say what you're working on and by when. That makes your no easy to understand. Offer what you can do instead: later, less, or a quick walkthrough so they can do it themselves next time.
Common mistakes
Waiting too long
If you stay quiet for weeks, you end up bringing ten examples and sounding bitter. Raise it while it's still one example.
Complaining to others first
If you complain to others on the team first, your coworker hears it secondhand. Then you end up talking about the gossip, and the real problem stays where it was.
Raising it over chat
A short message easily comes across as curt, and neither of you can ask questions. Write this instead: “Do you have ten minutes tomorrow? There's something I'd like to talk through.”
Saying yes and regretting it
If you accept every request, sooner or later you deliver late or deliver worse. Say up front what you can take on and what you can't.
Methods for the conversation with a coworker
- SBI: Raise a behavior or say thank youSituation, behavior, impact: say what happened and what it led to. It works for criticism and for recognition.
- Mediation: When there's friction between youWhen you disagree or avoid each other and it's about more than one situation. Sort out both perspectives and prepare the conversation.
- BOUND: Say no and set boundariesWhen requests and commitments no longer fit your time. Decide what you can deliver and say it with facts.
Is a particular occasion coming up?
One conversation for a whole year of work.
“What would you want if you were in their place?”
I ask myself that before I talk to a coworker about something uncomfortable. The answer is usually: early, one-on-one, and with an example they remember.