Worrying about this conversation is normal. When you want to tell your manager something critical, you think about the consequences first: Will they take it personally? Will it come back in your next performance review? The worry shrinks once you know exactly what you want to say and what you don't. Then you describe a situation you both saw, which is easier to hear than a judgement.
Describe what happened. “You plan chaotically” is a judgement anyone can argue with. “Twice in the last three weeks the priorities changed on Friday afternoon, and I worked through the weekend” describes a situation, a behavior and an impact. That's how the SBI method works. Then ask how they see it and offer a suggestion.
Choose the setting on purpose. A short one-on-one you ask for in advance usually works better than a remark in a meeting or a long message. Your review is a good occasion, but you don't have to wait for it. An example from last week is easier to talk about than one from three months ago.
What you can say
Priorities change at short notice
“I've noticed that twice in the last few weeks the priorities changed on Friday just before the end of the day. I caught up over the weekend and came in on Monday underprepared. Can we look at how I could hear about changes like that sooner?”
You get talked over in a meeting
“In the client meeting yesterday you took over my answer twice before I'd finished. After that, every question went to you. It matters to me that I can present my part myself. How do you see it?”
Every draft goes through your manager first
“Since the project started, you've reviewed every draft before it goes out. I understand the result matters to you. But it slows me down, and I don't know what you feel is missing from my work. What would need to happen for you to leave the sign-off to me?”
Something good you want to say
“Letting me present the proposal to the steering group myself meant a lot to me. It showed me you trust me with it.”
Common questions
Is it okay to criticize my boss?
Feedback on how you work together is part of the job, in this direction too. Without it, your manager won't find out how their behavior lands with you. Talk about a specific situation rather than their character, and do it one-on-one.
What if my manager gets defensive?
Expect the first reaction to be a justification. You don't need to win the conversation. Stay with your example, ask for their view and suggest picking it up again in a few days.
Should I say it or write it?
Say it if you possibly can. A message loses tone and the chance to ask questions, and criticism reads harsher than it was meant. Writing is good for asking for the conversation, or for noting afterwards what you agreed.
In my performance review or before?
If your review is coming up soon, it's a good setting, because it's about how you work together anyway. If it's months away, raise it now. By then the example has faded and the frustration has grown.
Common mistakes
Raising everything at once
A list of five points feels like a reckoning. Pick the example that matters most and save the rest for later.
Criticizing in front of others
In a meeting your manager has to save face and is more likely to defend themselves. One-on-one, they can react more openly.
Speaking for others
“Everyone on the team feels this way” turns your point into a complaint about third parties. Speak for yourself and what you've seen.
Only saying what bothers you
Without a suggestion, the other person is left guessing. Bring one, even if it isn't the final answer.
Methods for the conversation with your manager
- SBI: Raise criticism specificallySituation, behavior, impact: say what happened without judging the person.
- BOUND: Renegotiate expectationsWhen a deadline, scope or goal can't be met and you want to push back with facts.
- Alignment Canvas: Get backing or a decisionPrepare your request so it connects to what your manager is trying to achieve.
- Mediation: Resolve tension between youWhen you disagree or the relationship is strained and it's about more than one situation.
Is a particular occasion coming up?
One conversation for a whole year of work.
When the person you work for changes, or you become that person.
“What exactly happened, and what did it do to your work?”
That's what I ask when someone tells me they want to say something to their manager and don't know how. If you can answer it, you've prepared half the conversation.